Have you ever felt it ?
That rush when your mind believes..even for that brief moment that there’s nothing more left to life ?
That there will be nothing more peaceful to achieve than just closing your eyes forever ?
That suicide is the best option.
I know how it feels.
Living in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia I don’t have the option of stepping out alone much. But this one time I was alone. I was going to the park to take a walk. There is a mosque being built in the neighborhood and they usually have tall minarets. Since it is still being built, it’s easily accessible.
As I was walking towards the park, I don’t know what came over me and I just turned into the side of the mosque. It was late evening and the construction site was dark from inside since work was over for the day.
I began to climb the white minaret and a worker appeared from somewhere. He was Bangladeshi so I pretended not to understand what he said. He was asking me where I am going. And I was in a rush to reach the top so I ignored and continued.
The few minutes I was climbing my heart was pounding against my chest and I could feel it because I could hear it till my ears and my whole body seemed to be shaking with every beat.
I reached the top. Cold air slapped my face. I looked down to see if I was just ‘high enough’ and I felt dizzy. I had forgotten I have acrophobia.
I ran my eyes on the horizon of the city and felt so alien. My throat had gone dry and I found it very difficult to breathe. The wind like air kept blowing my abaya around. (the black garment which is mandatory to wear in Saudi Arabia)
My hands felt very cold and so did my feet. My ears were feeling red and my cheeks hot. My heartbeat was buzzing in my head and it was making me light-headed listening to myself breathe. I tried to dangle one foot off and the pull of gravity in that split second made me pull my foot back up.
I don’t remember how long I had stood there trying to muster the courage to look down and jump. But I didn’t.
And no I didn’t think about how anyone’s life would be affected if I was gone. The mere reason I was standing there was because I knew nothing mattered.
But I didn’t jump. I wanted to but I was scared to take my life and take every opportunity my future might ever have for me.
I stepped down. I declined the invitation of a suicide.
My brain kept telling me not to go back down the stairs, it would mean going back to the same hell of a life I was living.
Even the emotion of hatred I think is better than non-existence.
I don’t know actually.
I try to not leave myself alone anymore.
I don’t trust myself.