So this is my first post of 2017 and it had to be a very honest one and today when I sat down to write, crossing seemed so damn appropriate.
The beginning of this year to me feels empty, rather I feel hollow from inside. And I know its a negative note to begin a new year on but I just can’t help it. It has a lot to do with the relationship I share with my parents. So here is a little background on it.
Last to last year i.e. 2015, my parents introduced me to a guy (let’s call him X) for arranged marriage and I was made to meet him. However, I somehow ended up not liking X and he rubbed me the wrong way. He is educated, well established and everything else that my parents sought in a groom for me.
The only issue was I didn’t get along with him. I found X snobbish, narcissistic and too full of himself. And I understand different people have different personalities yet it was an emotional connect I was looking for, which I didn’t find.
So I refused to get married to X and all hell broke loose. Belonging to an Indian Muslim family I have a one which is larger than the Kardashians. Hence receiving everyone’s calls and getting lectured right after getting home from work wasn’t a very happy situation and the stress started making way in my life. The weight gain, PCOS and what not. (I was living independently in Delhi, India at that time working in a PR agency)
Now as my parents stayed in Riyadh I have to come every year to Saudi Arabia for a visa renewal.( According to Saudi Arabian laws one has to enter the kingdom once in a year so that residential permit can be renewed.)
When I came to Riyadh in January 2016, again my parents started the whole thing of getting married to X because there were no flaws in him. This time I agreed quietly because my father had already threatened to not send me back to Delhi (and considering guardianship laws of Saudi Arabia over women, until the sponsor i.e. father/husband does not apply for exit visa a woman cannot leave)
I came back and in February there was a function to be held to mark the alliance but I didn’t come back home and ran away 2 days prior because I didn’t want to get married.
(My parents had already arrived in Delhi by this time)
When I did not come back, I was scolded a lot because I was still talking to them over phone. After that I agreed to meet my parents in a public place and talk about it. What followed next was the worst thing that happened in my life.
My parents dragged me home, my mother bit me and my father slapped me. And no it didn’t end there. After reaching home, my father used his shoe to beat me black and blue for bringing shame to the family (and I am a 25 year old at this point). Oh and also shattering my phone to pieces.
Before leaving to meet my parents I had instructed my friends to call the police helpline in case they don’t hear from me. And so the police came and more dramatic arguments followed. I was beaten so much by my father by that point that out of fear I couldn’t take a stand against my parents and the police didn’t help either because they started lecturing me about the values of being blessed with parents.
After that my parents brought me to Riyadh and being in office for until that day, next day on wards I had just vanished off the face of earth suddenly. This was February 2016.
As of now January 2017, my parents are head over heels in love with X still because he wants to marry me even after I brought so much ‘shame’ to my family. I am told he is ready to ‘accept’ me. My grandparents were also called over for more drama with them telling me seeing me getting married is their last wish, they want to see my hands coloured with henna, a child who goes against parents wishes never stays happy in life and more sensational bla bla bla.
In fact, according to my grandfather I should be grateful that X wants to marry me because after having health issues of thyroid, insulin, pcos and obesity he can get a million girls but no one will want to marry me ( He doesn’t realize that it’s not even a concern for me, rather wasting 1.5 years of my life being made to sit at home doing practically NOTHING at such a crucial age is what bothers me more)
My parents don’t understand me in the least of ways. And here I am still stuck in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia because the only time my father will let me get out of here away from them is going to be when he fu**ing marries me off.
So yes, I was talking about crossing. This intersection of my life, the year 2016 has drained me of every emotion I had ever felt for my parents. And no this wasn’t my relationship with them for 25 years, it happened after I refused to marry X. And the state of our passive aggressive relationship has made me isolated.
Because somehow as an individual, I’m not very good with stress and I generally end up building walls and not talking to anyone. I have distanced myself from everyone I was close to which is so unlike me because I use to be a very social person once.
So in between, I shaved my head, turned to stress baking as a coping mechanism, found comfort in food, deactivated every social media account, gained weight, stopped caring about my appearance and there is a part of me constantly angry. I feel myself changed in so many ways that I feel like an alien to my very own being. I now lack the capacity to have anymore emotional intimacy.
So yes, 2017 feels it’s going to be a crossing point for me. Because I want to change things for myself and feel peace once again. I am a tired soul who yearns to breathe in some tranquil.