A few days back it was your birthday and I didn’t remember it until, one of my close friends reminded me.
I was a little surprised that after knowing you for almost 5-6 years, I could forget such a detail, after all we always celebrated your birthdays.
It’s been quite sometime since I spoke to you last or even messaged, but it’s not the lack of communication between us that I am writing, it’s the simple phenomenon of how you have faded away from my life, from my thoughts.
I had never imagined that this was possible, but then again to remember and forget I think is one of the most powerful abilities of the human mind. We can hang onto the tiniest thread of memory and still let go of an individual at the same time.
I always had sort of thought it in my head that we’d go to college together, grow together, make our careers together and settle down together, which I would advise my younger self not to think if given a chance today but at 18 everything feels rosier or maybe it’s just sheer ignorance.
The first time you cheated on me with another girl, I had let go of that because I was so much in love with you. I was hoping day and night that you’d come back and tell me that it was a mistake and you wanted me not her. It happened and we got back together. The second and third time, I don’t really know what was going on in your mind because after it reached my ears you would still want to come back. I was actually vulnerable enough to accept every action as a mistake. I’m glad we grew so distanced that we couldn’t bear each other’s presence after a certain point of time.
I don’t know if we will ever cross paths again in this life time. In fact to be honest I don’t even know how would I react to meeting you, but I know one thing for sure.
That’s what I’d like to tell you. Don’t get me wrong on this. I just want to thank you for everything.
I want to thank you for coming in my life and leaving me so broken.
I want to thank you for not loving me back the way I loved you.
I want to thank you for making me feel like I lacked something as an individual.
I want to thank you for lying to me every single time you were with another girl and pretended you were with family.
I want to thank you for leaving me alone every single time.
I want to thank you for making me realize that money can buy everything fancy from food to clothes to accessories etc but love and emotional attachment.
(I can go on because 6 years is a lot to write about but I prefer leaving it here)
I want to thank you for where I am today.
Because if it wasn’t for you, I would have still been hoping for something I almost had but couldn’t because I wouldn’t have known what ‘being content’ meant.
You see after you left, I had a lot of gaps to fill in my life. And somehow in that process I ended up becoming whole for myself.
For the longest time I was jealous of happy girls around me because that little space you left in my heart, made me very very angry. I met other boys but always ended up getting disappointed because I kept looking for another you.
I consciously decided to get over that habit because holding onto your identity meant losing out on my present.
And that made a lot of difference in my life. Suddenly it was like I became my own friend, I became my own companion and I became what I looked for. And that ended my search. Because the love I found after my search ended wasn’t what I was looking for, it was what I had missed all together.
Now I’m very different from the girl I was back then, because I know what real contentment and emotional intimacy is. I am happy being who I am now. I am sufficient for myself because I don’t rely on others for my joy or happiness. I’m a woman who believes that the presence/absence of a man can not dictate the course of my life now.
So yes, you see I had to thank you for leaving me deserted in between because if you hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have learned to journey on my own.
If you hadn’t hurt me so bad, I wouldn’t have known how to heal myself from within.
If you hadn’t cheated, I wouldn’t have known what emotional intimacy actually means.
If you hadn’t shamed my personality, I would not have known the woman I am today.
It did take every inch of my strength but I’m glad to be where I am today.
And most important of all, I’m glad that you did not love me back because the love I got from me is incomparable to that of another.